Sunday, August 27, 2006


TABLOID TUESDAY: AUGUST 27 – SEPTEMBER 1

This week: Kate Hudson torn between two loves… Nicole Richie’s weight obsession could kill her… Brad Pitt’s mom can’t stand Angelina Jolie… Pam Anderson Baby Watch… Jessica Simpson… Fergie… JonBenet…John Mark Kerr…

Let’s get the ‘fluff’ out of the way first – Both STAR and US WEEKLY think the Chris Robinson – Kate Hudson – Owen Wilson triangle is something we all are anxious to read about. Wrong! With headlines from the STAR tell us EXCLUSIVE … HOW CHRIS DROVE KATE INTO OWEN’S ARMS.. and US WEEKLY is peddling KATE’S CRISIS … TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVES … OWEN WILSON IS READY TO GET SERIOUS AS A GUILT-RIDDEN HUDSON ATTEMPTS TO MAKE PEACE WITH HER HUSBAND. Besides eye strain from endless headlines, that’s about as much as Tabloid Tuesday cares to know about these three.

So, what else is out there in the world of tabloids this week? Alas, other than the ENQUIRER (which we’ll save for last), not a heck of a lot.

IN TOUCH dredges up the old DOCTORS WARN… NICOLE’S WEIGHT OBSESSION COULD KILL HER … SHE’S DANGEROUSLY THIN, SO WHY IS NICOLE RICHIE DENYING THAT SHE HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM? (Tabloid Tuesday wonders if the editors saw the OTHER tabs last week. You know, the ones that ran the same photos of a super-skinny Nicole a week ago…. Could there be something new in the IN TOUCH story? You’ll have to look for yourself – Tabloid Tuesday can’t stand the disappointment.

Staying with IN TOUCH, they also announce it’s a PAM ANDERSON BABY WATCH! And JONBENET’S FRIEND OFFERS NEW INFO… now, we’ll have to look at that one for a second… turning to page 26…. Hmmmm, oh yes. It’s Thumper Gosney. She knew JonBenet when she was 6 years old – that was 10 years ago. And what “new info” does she offer? Well, let’s just say it’s about what one would expect.

Over at US WEEKLY, judge for yourself if there’s anything of news value…. Headline: JESS: LOSES 8 POUNDS IN 2 WEEKS (must be Jessica Simpson)… Headline: IDOL’S MCPHEE … HOW I BEAT BULIMIA… Headline: FERGIE … AMAZING MAKEOVERS! (Yeah, that’s what Tabloid Tuesday) thought, too.)

Alright, let’s look at STAR – surely things are better there…. Well… here are three headlines: (1) BEYONCE’S $3 MILLION WEDDING…. (2) MIRACLE FACE-LIFT…20 MINUTES! NO SURGERY! PLUS: BEST SKIN IN HOLLYWOOD….(3) TEEN CHOICE: HOT FASHION AND GOSSIP!

Hmm, perhaps Tabloid Tuesday spoke too soon. But wait a minute, we forget the BIG story: BRAD’S MOM CAN’T STAND ANGELINA! FEUD ERUPTS: THEY WON’T EVEN STAY IN THE SAME HOUSE TOGETER! PLUS: SHE BEGS HIM TO GET BACK WITH JEN…

WHAT???? Angelina bets Brad to get back with Jen? Quickly turning to page 48….. reading…reading… oh…. Seems Angelina didn’t beg Brad to get back with Jen… according to the story “In fact, Jane (Brad’s mom) is still close with her ex-daughter-in-law, and, adds the source, “She’d like nothing better than to see Brad get back together with her.” Mrs. Pitt has even told both Brad, 42, and Jen that she’s hoping for a reunion.”

So…. no one really begged Brad to get back with Jen… and what about Brad & Angelina’s child, Shiloh… seems a bit short on logic.

And finally, here’s the ENQUIRER. What else would you expect but everything you could ever want to know about the weird John Mark Karr…. The cover story of this week’s ENQUIRER announces: JONBENET MURDER SUSPECT … HE DIDN’T DO IT! NEW WITNESS CRACKS CASE … WHERE HE REALLY WAS MURDER NIGHT … SUSPECT’S DOUBLE LIFE …. PLUS.. HIS BEST FRIEND TELLS ALL: ‘I SAW HIM DRUG 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLS.’

Did that get your attention? If you want to find out more than anyone needs to know about this strange little man, the ENQUIRER packages up 9 pages packed with photos and inside information. It’s a tabloid dream come true.

THE MEN.COM WORST TABLOID HEADLINES OF THE WEEK: US WEEKLY AND IN TOUCH WEEKLY

Yup, it’s a tie this week. IN TOUCH touting the old, old story about Nicole Richie’s weight problem and running the tired and often used photo of her looking like a stick – only a week after the other tabs ran it for the 100th time – moved them to the top of the list.

US WEEKLY joins them because of the BORING page one headlines and personalities. Come on – FERGIE of the ‘Black Eyed Peas?’ She’s wonderful, she’s talented, ‘London Bridge’ was a chart topper – but a page one story about her makeover? But what’s worse, it’s only an evolution – compared to what she looked like 5 years ago! She looks great, but a page one story? Nothing else is happening to mankind or civilization or – gasp – even Hollywood?

THE MEN.COM BEST TABLOID HEADLINES OF THE WEEK: ENQUIRER

Not even close. Winner by a mile. The tabloid coverage of the JonBenet murder has been owned by the ENQUIRER since the tragedy occurred – and the info they’ve put together about John Mark Karr reads better than most detective novels. Congratulations and – here’s something Tabloid Tuesday – seldom says – GO OUT AND BUY A COPY!

Best Quote of the Week: The folks at STAR quote Alicia Keys talking about her boyfriend Kerry Brothers: “I made him wait a year, because my body is too beautiful to be violated by someone who doesn’t deserve it.” A whole year? Now, that’s really patience.

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Monday, August 21, 2006


Tabloid Tuesday, August 20 -25, 2006

This week: The Tom Cruise Baby Suri mystery deepens, Hollywood’s secret gay list, Jennifer Aniston says no babies, Jessica Simpson’s message to Nick, Nichole Richie photos, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson

Enough! No more! What part of ‘we don’t care’ don’t the tabloid editors understand?

Baby Suri! Yup, back again and the cover story on all the tabs this week. If you all recall, every single one of the tabs originally questioned why no one has seen the baby, then moved on to doubting that there even was a real Baby Suri, and now, with nothing else to speculate on, they’re talking about the ‘truth’ about baby Suri or the ‘Secret Suri Photos.’ But this week, things have hit both an all time high and an all time low.

Tabloid Tuesday takes a look at the ‘high’ first. The tabs have begun rounding up folks who have seen Suri. US WEEKLY talked with several Hollywood actresses, on the record, who claim they have actually SEEN baby Suri. US WEEKLY touts the story on this week’s cover with TOM & KATIE: TOP SECRET SURI PHOTOS? No, don’t expect to actually SEE any photos. But if you turn to page 58, you’ll find quotes about Baby Suri from real-live folks who say they’ve actually SEEN the baby: Leah Remini, Jada Pinkett Smith and Penelope Cruz. Rather a strange group, but every single one of them say they actually saw the baby. According to Leah Remini, “She’s a normal, beautiful baby. She’s very loved. I bought her shoes, and an airplane for her dad.”

IN TOUCH announces on their cover TOM & KATIE … THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR BABY! KATIE LONGS FOR A NORMAL LIFE AS TOM MAKES MORE BIZARRE RULES. NOW, THE NEW FAMILY PHOTOS THAT HE HOPES WILL END THE QUESTIONS ABOUT SURI.

Don’t turn to page 12 in the hopes of seeing any photos – nothing but pics of Tom and Katie and a gallery of Hollywood stars who say they’ve seen Suri – lots of the same names as US WEEKLY but IN TOUCH adds The Beckhams and Will Smith wonder why US WEEKLY only mentioned Will’s wife?)

The ENQUIRER jumps on the Suri parade with headlines announcing TOM’S SHOWDOWN WITH KATIE’S FAMILY … THE SECRET MEETING IN COLORADO.

And then there’s the low – the STAR. The front page story this week announces FIRST PIC OF BABY SURI INSIDE!... WHY TOM WON’T MARRY KATIE! THE WEDDING’S OFF – THE SHOCKING REASON WHY!....

Don’t get your hopes up… you know the rules about too many !!!’s. If you open the magazine and look for the photo, look quick. It’s on the table of contents page and you can miss it if you’re not careful. But maybe it’s better if you don’t look TOO closely.

What we have here is a photo taken a long distance away by a paparazzi from outside Tom and Katie’s house, shooting through a window that reveals a rather shapeless mass lying on the corner of a bed. If you squint your eyes, and turn the page so the light strikes it just right – it still looks like a shapeless mass. But according to the STARLOOKS LIKE SURI INSIDE…KATIE HOLMES, LEFT, WAS PHOTOGRAPHED FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE BABY SURI IN TOM’S BEVERLY HILLS MANSION ON AUG 9. FOR MORE ON KATIE AND TOM’S WEDDING WOES, TURN TO PAGE 36.

Even for the tabs, this is pretty low… the wording they use on the caption is especially revealing… ‘what looks like Baby Suri…’ notice, they never say it’s the baby – but they made sure to tell you that they had the ‘first pic of baby Suri inside’ on the front page. Why? So you’d buy the magazine and look for the photo. If you fell for it, how does it feel to have wasted the price of a gallon of gas? TABLOID TUESDAY feels betrayed and mad enough to demand a refund.

That’s it, no more STAR this week.

Hopefully, that ENDS the mystery of whether Baby Suri even exists. Alas, Tabloid Tuesday knows better – this will be fodder for the tabs forever.

There’s not much else going on in the tabs this week – but next week, brace yourself for more than you even wanted to know about the Jon Benet case and John Mark Karr’s stunning confession – looking forward to what the ENQUIRER is going to do.

Speaking of the ENQUIRER, this week’s issue also features HOLLYWOOD’S SECRET ‘GAY LIST’ … WHO’S ON IT, WHO’S NOT…

Now, think about it for a minute – is there really a secret list that reveals who’s NOT on the ‘secret gay list?’ That’s all too confusing for TABLOID TUESDAY .. if you want to find out about Keanu Reaves, John Travolta, Vin Diesel and others who may or may not be on a secret list, you’ll have to read the story for yourself.

The BIG story on the front page for the ENQUIRER is WORLD EXCLUSIVE NEWS... ANGELINA SPYING ON BRAD … WHAT SHE FOUND … THE OTHER WOMEN … THE DRUGS … THE LIES…

Alright! Sex! Drugs! Spies! TABLOID TUESDAY eagerly turned to page 20 to find out what high-tech methods Angelina used, how she managed her spy cadre, tapping telephones, satellite surveillance … hmmmmm, according to the story, Angelina didn’t use a single listening device or tracking device attached to Brad’s car…. Nope, she spied on him the old fashioned way. According to the story, “…These days, she rarely lets him out of her sight, and when she does, she knows exactly where he is and what he’s doing, an insider told the ENQUIRER.”

Yeah, right.

Tabloid Tuesday gives up. If you want to find out about KATE & OWENS SECRET AFFAIR in US WEEKLY or WHY KATE SPLIT FROM HER HUSBAND in IN TOUCH, you’ll just have to go out and spend your hard-earned money.

THE MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: STAR

Don’t you just hate it when the tabs promise something and then find a way to wiggle out? Telling us they had a photo of Baby Suri and then running a blurry, indecipherable image and having the nerve to tell us that this “looks like Baby Suri” – like taking the ink blot test. What does this look like: ☺ - why, it’s Baby Suri!

THE MEN.COM BEST OF THE WEEK: ENQUIRER

Despite the Angelina spying on Brad story, the ENQUIRER keeps plugging away, and offers a variety of easily digestible stories, including MEL’S NOT IN REHAB .. HE’S AT HOME, referring to Mel Gibson and his drunk driving incident.

BEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The folks at US Weekly quote Justin Timberlake about American Idol: “I have a strange relationship with that show. I despise it, and yet I’m completely fascinated. The who won [Taylor Hicks] – people think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet, and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.”

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